I Finally Decided What to Be When I Grow Up!

I use a white board to track my reading and assignments for my class.

I recently started my third semester for my Masters in Library and Information Science. It was scary to think about going back to school after 30 years since earning my Bachelors. Could I keep up? Could I still write? How was this going to work all online?

What I discovered was that yes, I could keep up (not gonna lie, there have been some late nights). My first paper I submitted the professor assured me I was going to do great in the program. Since then I have earned straight A's, learned how to use Zoom, learned to make animated videos, and learned how to research online. It has been a rewarding experience.

I have made friends with some amazing people all over the country, discovered a greater confidence in my abilities, and decided I have made the right decision for my career. I always thought that I would be a teacher some day, yet this just seemed like a better fit. I love books and reading and learning. And I can work with children and teens and help them learn in a library. So it melds that dream to teach with my love of books. 

My life has definitely taken a path I never expected. I never expected to have cancer. I never expected to be a widow at 49. I never expected to be earning a masters in my 50s. But isn't that how life is. Robert used to have a saying he loved to share: "life is what happens when you are planning something else." Or as Robert Burns so succinctly put it, "the best laid plans o' mice and men." 

I may be living my life in a different way than I ever expected, but I am living it. I am trying to experience it more fully. In fact, last year I chose LIVE as my word of the year. And since 2020 was basically a giant crap pile of a year, I am hitting the do-over button and choosing it again. Stay tuned for my post on why I chose that word, and how I plan to LIVE in 2021.

                                                        All set for my first day of school.
 

This IS Me

So I have obviously not done too well at blogging. But it has been a difficult year. For some reason the second year of my husband being gone was hard. Maybe the reality just really sunk in. Maybe it is trying to raise a son on my own, especially as he is about to be a teenager. Maybe it is living in a new house, in a new neighborhood, in a new community and having to make all the decisions by myself. What ever the reason there have been times when I have been overcome by the grief and loneliness. And yet in some ways I feel myself becoming stronger. Having more faith in myself and my abilities. There are a lot of things I am learning to do. And yes, it still sucks and I still wish I could be with my sweetheart, but I am learning and growing.
I love the song, "This is Me" from The Greatest Showman. Probably because after all my surgeries from my cancer, and then from when I broke my leg- I literally am covered in scars. Add the emotional and spiritual ones from all I have endured the past three years and you can see how they speak to me:
             I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars
             Run away, they say
             No one'll love you as you are

But- that same song also speaks to the strength I have learned I have:
           I am brave, I am bruised
           I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
           . . . 
           I won't let them break me down to dust
           I know that there's a place for us
           For we are glorious!

And yes we are glorious. Recently I spoke at a Young Women Camp for my church. The theme was "the Power Within." I shared with these young women (ages 12-17) how each of them has the power within them to face any trial they face. And where does that power come from? It comes from the divinity we each have as Children of God. There is a piece of His divinity within every person who walks this earth. And once we realize that- we will know that we ARE glorious!

                             This is my leg right after the surgery I underwent. I broke my tibia in several places and my fibula. I had fallen down cement stairs- while on vacation. On my birthday.

                                   This is before one of my chemo treatments. It was just the beginning of my fight against breast cancer. Chemo was followed by a bilateral mastectomy, 6 weeks of radiation, and then several reconstruction surgeries. 

                       I have had to learn to do my own home maintenance and improvements. I measured, planned and then ordered easyclosets.com to customize a closet in my office. This picture was taken while I laid on the floor to get under the shelves to tighten some of the screws.

                       This is the finished closet. I love how it turned out- and even put in some shelves in a hall closet for more storage- I am feeling so confident in my ability I have decided I will go ahead and do my master closet myself. I am so grateful my dad taught me how to use tools!

So even though I still get self conscious of my scars- as they fade more each year, my fears will fade too. And I am learning to recognize that those scars remind me of all I have overcome. Because THIS IS ME!

Half a Century and Counting

As a child, I remember my third grade teacher having her 50th birthday and telling the class she was a half a century old. We thought she was so old. Yet, here I am today turning 50 myself and it does not seem so old anymore.

Not sure if this is from my 8th birthday or not, but close.

When I was that 8 year old in third grade I could never have imagined where my life would take me and where I would be when I reached the landmark age of 50.
Today I spent riding in a car from St George, UT to Sequoia National Park in California, so I had plenty of time to reflect.
For one thing, this birthday is ending better than the last birthday. Last year I was on a road trip with my parents and son as well, and a day that began wonderfully, ended horribly when I tripped on some concrete steps and fell, breaking my leg in 2 places- one a compound fracture. Had to ride for 30 minutes in an ambulance to the closest trauma hospital and have surgery to have a rod and 2 screws placed to set my right tibia. It also was my first birthday after the passing of my husband a couple months prior.

 All smiles before my fall.

My leg post surgery. It took months to recover.

I also am grateful to be alive and celebrating. My husband passed away a few months short of his 52nd birthday after battling cancer for a little over 2 years. During that time I also fought my own battle with cancer, so to say I have a greater appreciation of my own mortality is an understatement. Robert, my husband, had a zest for life, and for enjoying even the little things. (This summer road trip is something he thoroughly would have enjoyed.)

This was the invite for Robert's 50th surprise party.

 I need to take care of myself so I can enjoy my life to the fullest. The importance of good health has become more pronounced to me after going through the past few years with my cancer battle and my broken leg. I want to be able to enjoy many years of hiking, exploring, playing and having fun with my kids and my grandkids. In order to do that I need to do my best to take care of myself.

Enjoying my birthday in 2016

All in all, I have had an amazing life. I was raised by the best parents ever who have always encouraged me and loved me and helped me. I have the best siblings ever and great in laws who check in on me all the time. I have 5 beautiful children and 2 amazing sons in law. Was married to my best friend for 29 years. Have 3 wonderful grand daughters. Have been blessed with great friends from every place I have lived. Have traveled to many amazing places. I have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I live in a country that affords freedoms not granted to many in the world.

The first 50 years of my life have been more than I could ever have dreamed of . . . here is to the next 50!

Finally . . . a post in my blog

So I have long wanted to start this blog . . . and then life got in the way. In a big way. Became a grandparent- best thing ever. Husband diagnosed with cancer. Husband in remission. I got diagnosed with cancer. I finish treatment. Husband's cancer returned. He went to the ER for shortness of breath. They drained almost 2 liters of fluid from around his heart. Then he had a stroke. He survived (amazing considering the diagnosis they gave at the time). He went to rehab. Then back to the hospital. Entered hospice. Came home. More shortness of breath. Back to the hospital and the in patient hospice. Sadly he lost his battle on May 26, 2017. I never imagined myself a widow before 50.
Now I am raising our youngest son on my own and navigating a new life for us. We recently sold our home in the Orlando area and moved into a new home in Ponte Vedra. Even with all our moves, I still find the process stressful. And that is more this time as I have had to take care of everything myself.
When I was undergoing my cancer treatments I established the personal motto of, "I can do hard thing." (see Philippians 4:13) I have learned to do new things, take care of things I have never had to worry about before, and renewed skills (how to put furniture together- thank you dad for teaching me how to use a hammer and screwdriver!)
Hopefully this blog will be a space for me to learn and grow and for y'all to do that with me.